Oooh, punishment! It is possibly the most exciting, yet quite misunderstood aspect of power exchange relationships.
Before getting into rules and ideas, it’s important to highlight what this tactic actually is and when it’s appropriate to use it:
What is Punishment in BDSM and Power Exchange?
Punishment is a tool that may be used for discipline and training of a submissive or slave.
There is a difference between discipline and punishment.
Discipline is the umbrella term that involves training a submissive to carry out tasks and holding themselves exactly the way the Dominant expects using tools such as rewards, correction, and punishment.
Since any type of D/s relationship involves some type of service or submission, you could say that discipline (training a sub) is a must within any power exchange dynamic, whereas retribution is completely optional.
Disciplinary action in this context is not something hot or sexy. It is used in order to deter bad behavior.
Punishment Types Available
The type of punishment used may be positive in nature (adding adverse stimuli such as inflicting pain or corner time) or negative (taking away positive stimuli such as privileges and toys).
You don’t need to incorporate penalties in order to have a satisfying D/s relationship. It is completely optional. Some people cannot tolerate being punished so it may be a hard limit for them.
This should be discussed before entering into any dynamic.
If chastisement is an essential tool for a Dominant, they may not be wanting to dabble with a sub who imposes this as a hard limit.
What can you use instead? Or in addition to negative consequences? Rewards (positive reinforcement) provide an effective incentive to be good, obey, or to change behavior.
Negotiation and Technique
No punishment should ever be administered without first negotiating. It’s best to specify and agree in detail what penalties are allowed at the outset of the relationship or dynamic.
Potential sanctions are not just limited to spanking. It can be anything that the sub does not enjoy; a consequence to teach them a lesson.
It is done for an intended purpose, not for fun or enjoyment (as opposed to “funishment”).
Typically, neither the Dom nor the sub will actually enjoy punishing the submissive. It may however help a sub alleviate feelings of guilt associated with disappointing a Dominant and therefore act as a cathartic event.
In this way, you can even play out that it’s a privilege for the s-type and make them beg for forgiveness and to be punished for a contravention.
Non-corporeal examples such as corner time, writing lines etc. are very effective tools at your disposal (subject to consent of course).
Whatever tool is used, consistency is key.
The Difference between Punishment, Impact Play and Funishment
Compare the above to a scene – where spanking, caning, or some other impact play is an enjoyable experience for both parties. In this case, it shouldn’t be referred to as “punishment”. You are not punishing the sub for something they’ve done. Instead, it is negotiated play; a scene for enjoyment. Your sub shouldn’t feel like they’ve done something wrong when you’re just engaging in s/m play.
Funishment (the fun kind of punishment) is a sort of mock retribution. It’s fun to use when you are playing around with each other and the Dominant asserts themselves in a frolicsome way.
Being playful and poking fun at your Dominant is completely different from openly defying their authority.
So, for example, when I’m given an order that I don’t really want to do, sometimes I’ll jokingly pout and show my displeasure at the task in a way that’s fun and lighthearted but will always follow through with commands. When I pout and comply, for us, it reinforces Sir’s authority. It makes Sir feel like, “yep, I’ve still got it. I can still make her do things that she doesn’t really want to do and she’ll obey”.
Mucking around like this may not be acceptable to other Dominants so be sure to talk about the type of power exchange you are both seeking.
Here are some rules and ideas for punishment within a power exchange relationship:
Short and Sweet BDSM Rule Ideas for Punishment
Here are some some quick rule ideas for behavior training in D/s relationships.
They are written in a formal way so you can simply add them to your contract or agreement if you have one. If not, use them for ideas any way you wish.
Case Closed
Once the parties have finalized a punishment event, through discussion, journaling and closure, neither the breach nor the act of punishment may be raised for discussion other than for constructive reasons.
Constructive reasons include requesting changes to the current dynamic or relationship rules.
List of Allowable Punishments
The parties agree to create a list of allowable punishments. When punishment is warranted, the Dom will always keep negotiated limits and allowable punishments in mind when creating a punishment for the sub.
Keep Calm and Punish
The Dominant will never punish when angry or in the heat of the moment.
If need be, the Dominant may take a step back from the situation to collect themselves for a few hours or even days.
The sub shall be advised of the Dominant’s feelings and intentions of punishment. (Plus, anticipation adds to the severity/intensity of the impending punishment).
Getting Clarity After Paying the Price
Within 48 hours of receiving punishment, the submissive will write a journal entry about the breach of rules (from the time the contravention occurred to now writing the journal).
The journal entry will be handed over to the Dominant within the 48 hours, who will then read it and arrange for a loving and tender conversation with the submissive.
Confess
Where the submissive commits a breach outside of the Dominant’s presence or knowledge, the sub shall confess such transgression to the dominant without delay and shall await the Dominant’s decision for punishment.
The Dominant shall take into consideration the severity of the crime together with the period of time that has elapsed between the time of the breach to the time of confession.
Explanation Required
Immediately prior to (or following) punishment, the Dominant shall explain to the submissive why he’s being punished.
Punishment Aftercare
After punishment has been administered, the Dominant will have a conversation with the submissive to make sure they are okay and that they understand why punishment took place.
Right to Postpone Punishment
Master may in his absolute discretion postpone any punishment to a later time or date. slave will always be informed of an impending punishment and its reasons.
Get Out of Jail Free
Before using punishment, the submissive will be given a chance to “get out of jail free” if she makes the Dominant laugh.
Guilty Unless Proven Innocent
If in at any time, slave feels she is being punished unfairly, she shall advise Master immediately.
Master shall then take the time to assess whether:
(a) slave was advised of the rule she has breached; and
(b) whether Master’s instructions were clear enough in the circumstances.
Punishment Rules & Insights Submitted by Others
Number of Spankings
I keep track of the number of spankings in a notebook she has the responsibility to keep.
If she funny, pleasing, … or some other nice reason, I add one.
But, if she is bratty or has done something bad, I remove a certain number of spankings.
Spanking (hand, whip, cat) is a pleasure for her and for me.
And it has to stay that way. Punishing with something which is a pleasure is a bad idea. Keep it fun and sane.
~ Ilas
Spin the Wheel & Choose Your Penalty
If my little disobeys a duty or chore that daddy gives her, she has to spin a wheel that gives me or her the choice of punishment (just to make it interesting).
I want my little to be strong and by giving her a chance to make her own punishment sometimes I feel makes things interesting rather than recycle old punishments.
~ Dylan
Accountability for Tasks
The current ritual I currently like is my sub using obedience. Now this comes in multiple parts. Although it’s an app it is now a big part of our dynamic.
Beforehand I had a number of tasks for my submissive to do daily and weekly, but she would either forget or just not do them because I wasn’t there to hold her accountable.
Now if she doesn’t do something, she obviously still gets punished, but if she does it and doesn’t mark it, she also gets punished. Something both of us like as it gives her a sense of control even when I’m not around as she still has things that she has to prove she did.
~ Anonymous
Bondage Penalties
I would find detailed house cleaning and cooking rules to be agreed to and if any are not followed in detail daily a punishment would put in place. Once the daily check list is checked, depending on the number of failed rules, the punishment would be in place:
miss one: you are made to sit in the toilet room for 1 hour without any phone or other tools to speak to anyone.
miss two: you are tied to the foot of the bed and not released till morning.
miss three: you are bound gagged and blindfolded for 3 hours however the punisher wishes.
miss four or more: you are strictly bound and gagged and some extra devices are used to make you suffer for the punisher’s entertainment till they feel you have learnt a lesson, then you are bound to the bed till morning.
~ Ashlee
A Simple Caning Rule Keeps the Gas Full
my Daddy hates when the gas in the car gets too low, and i am the type that will run it down to the last drop, so one of our different rules is that i am not allowed to run the vehicles below a quarter tank of gas, otherwise the punishment is a caning, and i hate the cane.
It appeals to me because it keeps Him happy, and it prevents me from ever getting close enough to run my car out of gas!
~ Kileigh
Withholding Pleasure
Punishment involves the withholding of pleasure from the submissive; other forms of “punishment/discipline”, such as caning, are actually a pleasure for the submissive. Withholding is a better motivator for correcting behaviour.
~ Sir Richard
Reprimand by Random Chance
My favorite is using random chance games for choosing reward or punishment. Either slips of paper in a bowl to choose from, spinning a wheel, rolling the dice, etc.
Dice are fun, because you can add additional variables. Roll a two and you are to be in chastity for a week.
Roll a five and I will bind you and edge you for 45 minutes.
Or maybe when you roll an odd number, you must roll again, and now there is a consequence or reward for each roll. (You rolled a five, so roll again. Next is a two, so I will bind and edge you for 45 minutes, and then put you in chastity for a week! Fun!)
The reason this appeals to me? I find the element of chance to be exciting on occasion. Though most times, your reward or punishment is of my own choosing.
~ Miss Amanda
Present Yourself or Else
If I do not wake up and present myself first thing for at least 10 wacks with a paddle or similar device on a daily basis I will be punished.
This appeals to me because I get to start the day in the right frame of mind.
Last time I forgot it was 24 hour in the cell so I remember to start the day properly.
~ slave jack
Writing Lines with a Twist
A quick punishment for submissives whom I have a LDR with is writing lines. However, there’s a small twist. Whatever the sub is being reprimanded for it must write out while holding the pen with its asshole. Record it for an extra giggle.
~ Goddess Whitney
A Powerful BDSM Punishment Alternative – When You Break My Rules
This is a very effective rule that can be used in addition to or instead of punishing a submissive.
The Rule:
“We have rules for a reason and when you break them […]
What are your favorite effective punishments?
Please add your comments below.
When my Mistress invites Her friends, i have to serve dinner and almost every time i have to do it completely naked. Moreover, She often orders me to submit to Her friends and they are free to use me the way they want.That’s really humiliating, but She enjoys my embarrasment. At the other hand, it makes me live in the “now” and in a way i feel good by proving this way my devotion to Her.
Her Highness does not wish to be seen, only to see. She does not wish to touch, and is several hundred miles away so both her absence and her touch are a form of discipline.
I loved reading your “Punishment Guide”. I can tell that it was written by someone who has in depth knowledge of Domination. I can’t say that, as a submissive. I agree with everything written. But the majority of the post really peaked my interest. Thank you so much. I hope to read more. Larry
Thanks again. I enjoy reading your advice. It makes good sense. I don’t always think things through in such depth.