BDSM Rule Punishment Alternative

This is a very effective rule that can be used in addition to or instead of punishing a submissive.

The Rule:

“We have rules for a reason and when you break them you explain why the rule was put there.”

Sometimes you may not want to punish your submissive, especially not in a corporeal manner.

Yes, there are plenty of non-corporeal ways to make a sub learn their lesson. This can be anything from writing out lines like “I will obey” one hundred times and corner time to additional chores or imposing a curfew.

But does this really teach the submissive the precise lesson they need to learn?

I personally love this rule. It’s short and simple but it has profound impact and benefits.

Why it’s a great BDSM punishment alternative:

  1. “Reflective listening” is better than “active listening”

With active listening the Dominant only requires a confirmation that the submissive understands the rule. For example by questioning “Do you understand, girl?” and requiring the sub to reply “Yes Sir, I understand”.

But how do you know they REALLY understand? The sub may only comprehend their own version of the rule or their own philosophy of why that rule is in place, which may be different to the Dominant’s reasoning.

This is where reflective listening (also called mirroring) becomes very useful.

How does this work?

With mirroring, the submissive is required to repeat the message back to the Dominant in their own words. This way, the Dominant can know for sure that the sub actually understands the rule and what the Dominant is trying to achieve.

It’s a good way of ensuring the message is received.

This is useful for commands as well as obedience to ensure there is no ambiguity or hurt feelings.

For example by questioning the sub “Babygirl, this rule is in place for a reason, what is that reason”. To which she may reply “Sir, I know I must wear your collar at all times because it shows I am yours. I have given myself to you Sir and by disrespecting your rule, it undermines our power exchange”.

  1. Perhaps a more powerful punishment alternative? This rule helps with obedience

Understanding the WHY, makes it easier to follow. When a sub understands WHY they are being given certain orders, this gives them incentive to comply. They can see the Dominant’s vision and the goals they are aspiring to.

Not only does this provide motivation to follow the rule, such transparency also builds trust, which helps with obedience and your D/s dynamic overall. No punishment required (well, perhaps only for repeat or deliberate offences).

When we were starting out, Sir would get me to do these superfluous menial tasks like taking all the socks out of the drawer and refolding them. He imposed petty rules like making sure I use the same colored pegs for each item of clothing on the line.

Once I overlooked this peg rule and was asked why it was in place. It really made me think. Obviously (well, hopefully), Sir wasn’t creating these rules just for giggles. Even if he was, could there be another reason behind the rule?

A few weeks prior, I remember him saying he was testing my obedience. Then it all clicked.

I said something like “Sir, I’m very sorry. You are trying to gauge my ability to listen to orders and to carry them out as asked. This is important for you to trust me with more meaningful tasks”.

And that was it. No longer was I dreading or questioning these (what I perceived to be) meaningless, petty rules and tasks.

I was looking forward to more of them and being the best peg lady there is!

  1. Makes the sub reflect on their wants and needs

All of this helps to keep your power exchange fresh by making the submissive reflect on the relationship and their goals. Being hit with the realization of what is trying to be achieved, the sub may decide that it is not something they wish to aspire to after all.

Maybe they’ll realize they don’t really want to be an obedient service submissive. “I’m more of a bratty sub that likes to be punished and pulled into line, rather than comply like a good girl all the time.”

Not only is this completely okay but it is a crucial realization for the dynamic.

Rather than suffer in silence and become resentful, or trying to mold yourselves into something you’re not, you can talk this issue over and make the necessary changes.

Granted, it may be that you are no longer compatible and that can be devastating, but wouldn’t you rather know now than years down the track?

  1. Absolution of the Dom

If you are imposing punishment, then another benefit of making your sub repeat the reasons behind a broken rule is that it helps to absolve the Dominant from any guilt (or resentment from the sub) for enforcing the rule.

If I was to be punished in the peg example above, I could think to myself “this is stupid. Why am I being punished for getting the peg colors wrong. It’s not even important”.

Knowing why the rule exists makes me think differently. “I deserve punishment for breaking the rule”.

Alternatives to Impact Punishment

Where a sub actually enjoys impact play such as spanking or flogging, corporeal methods of “punishment” may not be effective. So, here are some ideas you can use instead:

  • Essays – have the submissive write an essay about their behavior and why it’s important to follow rules.
  • Lines – making the sub write out one line repeatedly about what they did wrong or how they will be have in the future, so it’ s ingrained.
  • Corner time – making the submissive sit in a corner to reflect on their actions.
  • Touching restrictions – prohibiting the sub from touching the Dominant and/or denying touch for a certain time.
  • Speech restrictions – imposing a time period where the sub is not allowed to speak to the Dom.
  • Extra chores – adding more tasks to the submissive’s plate or making them perform menial or disgusting work like cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush (or even a toilet brush gag attachment, eek!).
  • Taking away privileges – denying the sub of something they enjoy, whether it’s pleasure through orgasms or electronics (watching TV, laptop/mobile time).
  • Ignoring the submissive – some people suggest this and like to use it, but this can be very damaging to a sub’s mental health, to the point where it’s emotional abuse. As with all other BDSM activities, the silent treatment should only ever be used with consent.

Other BDSM Punishment Alternatives

In order to determine true alternatives to punishment, you need to look at the intention.

What is the point of punishment? To teach a lesson. To deter or change behavior.

Non-impact punishments such as timeouts and withdrawing attention may deter unwanted behavior, but can they encourage good behavior in the long term?

Here are other tools you can use instead of punishment (or even better, use them together) to encourage and maintain wanted behavior:

  1. Rewards – to positively reinforce good alternative behavior; and
  2. Make the sub explain the rule (see above as to why that works).

See more ideas on BDSM rules for punishment.

Do you have punishment alternatives you like to use?

I would love to hear them! Please share them in the comments below.

Remember, you can save this rule idea your “Saved Rules List“. Click the love heart icon ♥ (below)