This is a very effective rule that can be used in addition to or instead of punishing a submissive.
The Rule:
“We have rules for a reason and when you break them you explain why the rule was put there.”
Sometimes you may not want to punish your submissive, especially not in a corporeal manner.
Yes, there are plenty of non-corporeal ways to make a sub learn their lesson. This can be anything from writing out lines like “I will obey” one hundred times and corner time to additional chores or imposing a curfew.
But does this really teach the submissive the precise lesson they need to learn?
I personally love this rule. It’s short and simple but it has profound impact and benefits.
Why it’s a great BDSM punishment alternative:
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“Reflective listening” is better than “active listening”
With active listening the Dominant only requires a confirmation that the submissive understands the rule. For example by questioning “Do you understand, girl?” and requiring the sub to reply “Yes Sir, I understand”.
But how do you know they REALLY understand? The sub may only comprehend their own version of the rule or their own philosophy of why that rule is in place, which may be different to the Dominant’s reasoning.
This is where reflective listening (also called mirroring) becomes very useful.
How does this work?
With mirroring, the submissive is required to repeat the message back to the Dominant in their own words. This way, the Dominant can know for sure that the sub actually understands the rule and what the Dominant is trying to achieve.
It’s a good way of ensuring the message is received.
This is useful for commands as well as obedience to ensure there is no ambiguity or hurt feelings.
For example by questioning the sub “Babygirl, this rule is in place for a reason, what is that reason”. To which she may reply “Sir, I know I must wear your collar at all times because it shows I am yours. I have given myself to you Sir and by disrespecting your rule, it undermines our power exchange”.
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Perhaps a more powerful punishment alternative? This rule helps with obedience
Understanding the WHY, makes it easier to follow. When a sub understands WHY they are being given certain orders, this gives them incentive to comply. They can see the Dominant’s vision and the goals they are aspiring to.
Not only does this provide motivation to follow the rule, such transparency also builds trust, which helps with obedience and your D/s dynamic overall. No punishment required (well, perhaps only for repeat or deliberate offences).
When we were starting out, Sir would get me to do these superfluous menial tasks like taking all the socks out of the drawer and refolding them. He imposed petty rules like making sure I use the same colored pegs for each item of clothing on the line.
Once I overlooked this peg rule and was asked why it was in place. It really made me think. Obviously (well, hopefully), Sir wasn’t creating these rules just for giggles. Even if he was, could there be another reason behind the rule?
A few weeks prior, I remember him saying he was testing my obedience. Then it all clicked.
I said something like “Sir, I’m very sorry. You are trying to gauge my ability to listen to orders and to carry them out as asked. This is important for you to trust me with more meaningful tasks”.
And that was it. No longer was I dreading or questioning these (what I perceived to be) meaningless, petty rules and tasks.
I was looking forward to more of them and being the best peg lady there is!
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Makes the sub reflect on their wants and needs
All of this helps to keep your power exchange fresh by making the submissive reflect on the relationship and their goals. Being hit with the realization of what is trying to be achieved, the sub may decide that it is not something they wish to aspire to after all.
Maybe they’ll realize they don’t really want to be an obedient service submissive. “I’m more of a bratty sub that likes to be punished and pulled into line, rather than comply like a good girl all the time.”
Not only is this completely okay but it is a crucial realization for the dynamic.
Rather than suffer in silence and become resentful, or trying to mold yourselves into something you’re not, you can talk this issue over and make the necessary changes.
Granted, it may be that you are no longer compatible and that can be devastating, but wouldn’t you rather know now than years down the track?
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Absolution of the Dom
If you are imposing punishment, then another benefit of making your sub repeat the reasons behind a broken rule is that it helps to absolve the Dominant from any guilt (or resentment from the sub) for enforcing the rule.
If I was to be punished in the peg example above, I could think to myself “this is stupid. Why am I being punished for getting the peg colors wrong. It’s not even important”.
Knowing why the rule exists makes me think differently. “I deserve punishment for breaking the rule”.
Alternatives to Impact Punishment
Where a sub actually enjoys impact play such as spanking or flogging, corporeal methods of “punishment” may not be effective. So, here are some ideas you can use instead:
- Essays – have the submissive write an essay about their behavior and why it’s important to follow rules.
- Lines – making the sub write out one line repeatedly about what they did wrong or how they will be have in the future, so it’ s ingrained.
- Corner time – making the submissive sit in a corner to reflect on their actions.
- Touching restrictions – prohibiting the sub from touching the Dominant and/or denying touch for a certain time.
- Speech restrictions – imposing a time period where the sub is not allowed to speak to the Dom.
- Extra chores – adding more tasks to the submissive’s plate or making them perform menial or disgusting work like cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush (or even a toilet brush gag attachment, eek!).
- Taking away privileges – denying the sub of something they enjoy, whether it’s pleasure through orgasms or electronics (watching TV, laptop/mobile time).
- Ignoring the submissive – some people suggest this and like to use it, but this can be very damaging to a sub’s mental health, to the point where it’s emotional abuse. As with all other BDSM activities, the silent treatment should only ever be used with consent.
Other BDSM Punishment Alternatives
In order to determine true alternatives to punishment, you need to look at the intention.
What is the point of punishment? To teach a lesson. To deter or change behavior.
Non-impact punishments such as timeouts and withdrawing attention may deter unwanted behavior, but can they encourage good behavior in the long term?
Here are other tools you can use instead of punishment (or even better, use them together) to encourage and maintain wanted behavior:
- Rewards – to positively reinforce good alternative behavior; and
- Make the sub explain the rule (see above as to why that works).
See more ideas on BDSM rules for punishment.
Do you have punishment alternatives you like to use?
I would love to hear them! Please share them in the comments below.
Remember, you can save this rule idea your “Saved Rules List“. Click the love heart icon ♥ (below)
Great ideas! I shared this with my owner (hoping to improve our relationship)
Thank you David 🙂
Lots of humiliation.
Why, how very nice of you to offer all this. And I do like your other site.
So.. my relationship is new with my disciplinarian. He has disciplined adults for several years- even vanilla ones. But he is interested in some BDSM as well. I have had a good handful of short D/s relationships and one that lasted a year and 1/2.
But I began seeing this disciplinarian because my weight has been such a severe problem for such a long time and I know my behaviors are very subtle that keep me in this situation. Of course, none of us have simply one motivation for engaging in BDSM. – I am also VERY submissive and moderately masochistic..
Sooo… the commitment I made to my disciplinarian/dom.. is that I have given over anything that doesn’t compromise my personal/professional life as an adult… or conflict with my spiritual or political life… I have given him authority as a guardian/manager/ “parent”- but its not that I am pretending to be a child. I am not into ADBL.. I am an adult given over authority to another with parental authority. That said, one punishment already has been that I was put in diapers and had to soil them- for acting like a baby- (my eating habits and the state of my body).. And I was required to be smooth since babies don’t have pubic hair (not just because he wants it that way)
He also has begun giving me enemas.. for cleansing, punishment, compliance, and general domination. We are both new to this, so this is something developing. There is a lot of anal domination and punishment coming down the road.. This could include spanking the hole, a version of figging/chemical an- al/genital punishment–stinging nettles… (ie ginger/cinnamon/ pepper… etc…) We talked about a modified version of riding the horse/rail. He has used corner time and writing with other people… but with me, I have a difficult time standing.. But he makes me spend time sitting in front of the mirror, looking at my obese body. (I don’t see my body as being about 70-80lbs smaller- and avoid pics and mirrors– and in pics, I arrange myself to hide some of it). Then, at the end, he has me describe my body from head to toe with everything damaged or shameful about it due to the obesity.
I write a journal – due once a week minimum. I- already wrote a 5 page paper about why I need to be punished- outlining a history of early “sins” that have brought me to where I am now. (I have a spiritual background in Christianity). I identified 27 significant ways of being- attitudes that need to be adjusted- not just a particular behavior. So.. I identified thoughts and attitudes that lead to my various behaviors that in turn, become obesity– truly, a moral problem.. Then, I wrote a 4-page paper on facing shame- not avoiding it but looking squarely at things that I do that are destructive to self, others or God.. and the effects that it has had.. mostly the current restrictions on my life- along with the risks- which together- the natural consequences are many and severe. So I turned those into him and he can always use them for our reference. None of the above reflection was punishment. It was more, preparation. My commitment to him is not just to avoid punishment. I have committed to obey him because I am honoring the relationship and exhibiting gratefulness for the attentions and investment he has made in me- that he has taken me on and I know its a lot of responsibility. I committed to doing my best to meet all the goals and obey him. I don’t believe in bratting- I think its rude.. (though I understand the game.. but I am not into those kind of games)..
He seems to be very interested in me being humiliated in public. He will be going to my doctor- who is also a proponent of a strict low-carb diet system.. and he intends to have me change my diet routine to conform strictly to hers-= (since my modified style is not working). He won’t be identifying himself with kink.. He is a life coach.
He has talked several times about sustained wearing of plugs. But as of yet, I am untrained.
Weight is a hard thing to conquer and when you have over 100lbs to lose, it takes a long time. I, like most people may be partially successful for a time, then fail.. then he decided (and I eventually gave these things over to him).. I am to confess any of my various faults and weaknesses. So, I have a problem with timeliness in arrival and task completion. Well I am in trouble for this. ..
There is also electro- shock stuff– cattle prods.. and doing a naked exercise program with the dom having access during the exercise.
I shared a 300 item inventory of what I experienced, and my willingness to have it happen. It has my hard limits. If its not a hard limit, its fair game. He is very sensitive to avoiding injury – so I don’t have that kind of safe-word that takes away my punishment. Instead, if I am in need of a pause and I think Ive had enough, he has consent to check for risk of injury (physical or mental).. and then complete the plan.
Honestly, our relationship is morphing a little bit to more D/s. But the focus is that he has b
I am not for any kind of abandonment– as mentioned on that site- that really is abusive. Just as I am committed to honoring the relationship- that is the dom’s side. Abandonment is about the same as a sub going off and just doing whatever they want. Its the end of the relationship, in my estimation. Better the dom just do that if he feels that is good- just end the relationship.
Hello Accountable12. Thank you so much for sharing all the ins and outs of your dynamic and all the ideas you provide.
I love your comparison of a disciplinarian/dom to that of a “parental” role. It’s nurturing and caring, whilst keeping you accountable. The idea is you give authority to another adult to motivate, guide and coach you with your goals and give them authority to enforce the rules and keep you on track. Weight loss is also one of my challenges. Sir helps keep me accountable with my food intake and exercise because it’s not something I can do on my own. If I snack, he will lock the pantry for the night and I get a piece of bread for dinner. But, it’s always a goal that I wish to achieve for myself. It’s never imposed on me.
Always lovely to hear from you, my dear.
I’ve come across a lot of “brats” who seem to believe punishment is a game–and somehow the point of BDSM, rather than viewing it as a point of transgression.
What I tell my Squish–who likewise had a burning curiosity to find out what it’d be like to be punished–is that punishment is an indicator of things gone very wrong. Wrong enough that sitting down and discussing the matter is no longer sufficient for rectifying the lapse in judgment.
Every wrong should be able to be discussed and handled **together** in a manner that strengthens the bond of dom/me and sub, my philosophy holds.
Ours is a bond of enough strength and joy together that all it really takes to truly make my Squish regret her actions…are three words:
“You’ve disappointed me.”
I’ve trained her to be a free and playful spirit, just as she is and exactly how she first drew me to her splendor. Protecting that free and joyous spirit necessitates never using scare tactics, and normalizing a wide range of emotional responses–she knows that I wear emotions openly, since prior to my daughter’s arrival in my life I was a very emotionless individual who questioned their own capacity to feel anything at all–so even if I show anger, she knows she is perfectly safe and that I’m not angry at her. We find color in life, together, by doing that.
But I do chastise for forgetfulness or bratty behavior–though these are not breaches of rules, ergo I dislike putting them in the same light as punishment.
Forgive me, I rant.
I’d be extremely curious to know if others use similar tactics as inspired by s/s/c or if I am the odd one out.
~ X
Thank you so much for your eloquent and insightful comment, X. You really have a way with words and you explain this topic wonderfully.
I completely agree with you. I believe there’s a misconception in BDSM about the purpose of punishment. The lines between impact play, funishment and actually punishing a submissive for a breach have become blurred.
Punishment is highly eroticized, yet it’s something that both the Dom and the sub won’t enjoy, whether it’s a physical or emotional chastisement. The purpose is to teach a lesson or change behavior.
Whereas playing up to get “punished”, that’s impact play mixed with mind games (which is completely fine and hot as long as that’s the type of dynamic both parties are seeking). Although, it should not be referred to as punishment.
For many subs, especially HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons), knowing that we have disappointed a Dominant is punishment enough. Your three words would cause a sting far greater than any flogger.
Thank you for sharing your insights and your beautiful dynamic with us.
Sometimes not spanking is punishment for my sub. Another form is denying her an orgasm. Bringing her right to brink and then stopping.
The worst punishment i ever had was when i had told my wife and Mistress that i thought her boyfriend and lover was being too sadistic with me when he came round, to spend the night with her, whipping me fiercely and using my pillow to absorb their cum underneath her buttocks when they made love, and making me wear the chastity belt he got me that was too small, and when i told him he gave me some cod liver oil to rub onto the sore parts that had been chafing.
My wife was very angry at me complaining about her lover, and she made me strip naked and bring her the largest butt-plug we had, which i only usually kept it in me for about half an hour because it really stretched my rectum. She told me to turn around and bend over, then inserted the plug very forcefully without any gel or cream to ease the entry, it was hard and painful to fit and i resisted so she nipped the inside of my bum-cheeks and told me to relax, and finally managed to force it all the way into me.
Then she told me to get a bucket, a spoon and a saucepan, and quickly because she didn’t have all day. i once again obeyed her as i was afraid of making her even more cross with me. When i returned with the items, she said to me, “You will go out and weed all of the garden, put some water in the bucket to wash all the weeds, and put the weeds into the saucepan, ready to cook. You will do it naked and barefoot, you will not use a mat to kneel on, and you will not stop until you have finished all the garden. I will call your boss and tell him you are not in today because you are not well. Then i will call my Michael and tell him what you said. Off you go now, and no loitering!” With that she gave me a hard slap on my bottom. – – – So off i went, to weed the entire garden, wearing only cock cage and butt-plug, visible to the neighbours on either side if they looked out of their upstairs windows.
i put some water in the bucket from the hose and began my ordeal. I say ordeal, because it developed into a very warm day and i had to wage a permanent war with a variety of insects, which attacked me incessantly. After i had been working for about an hour the doorbell rang and i hoped it would just be a delivery, and no-one would see me. About half an hour later my wife/mistress and two of her friends appeared on the terrace with a try of coffees and cakes to enjoy the sun, they said. They wandered over to look at me, not speaking to me, just talking among themselves about how rude i was to say such things about Michael, and how pathetic and stupid i looked etc. When i had to go and change the water in the bucket, they laughed at me because my penis was struggling to get erect, and the tiny cage was forcing itself towards the sky.
About lunch time i overheard my wife inviting her friends for lunch, which they gladly accepted. When the lunch was served i was told to wash my hands and legs,before coming into the house. when i was ready i went to go in but the door was locked. I knocked on the door, and my wife’s friend Angela came to the door, she was a very small Lady, about 4ft 10ins, and when she opened the door, she said, “Yes, what do you want?” i said “i want to come in.” She slammed the door in my face, and shouted “That’s not how you ask!” i heard them all laughing at me and somebody was clapping their hands.
I knocked again, and waited, and waited. Eventually the door opened again, and Angela said, “Hello. Who is it?” i said, “It’s me Angela, please can i come in?” Angela, to my wife, “Babs, there’s a naked thing at the door, and it wants to come in shall i let it in?” Babs – “Oh it must be my pet, yes dear, but make sure it’s on all fours, and make it asks you very politely!” Angela looked at me, she was caressing her breasts to tease me and i couldn’t take my eyes off them, “Well, who are you and what do you want, pet?” Me – “i am Mistress Barbara’s pet, please may i come in?” Angela – “You will address me as Mistress Angela when you speak to me, and don’t speak to me unless you are on your knees. Down boy, NOW!”
I got down on my knees, by this time i felt myself blushing fiercely with anger and shame, but tried to keep my composure as i said “Please may i come in Mistress Angela?” as i swallowed any pride that may have been left in me.
“You can come into my friend’s house, but only on your hands and knees, and remember, to act as befits your status, you are forbidden to talk, you must obey all commands, you must stay on all fours, you do not touch or sit on the nice clean furniture, and you eat everything we throw on the floor for you, without using your paws, and you lick the floor clean after. If you enter that means you agree, we will not permit any deviations. Enter, dog!”
I said “Thank you Mistress Angela.” and then got on all fours and entered my house.
Lunch was a shameful and emasculating moment for me as neither of these two ladies had ever seen me undressed before, and they had never seen me submit to my wife either.
I had to continually crawl around the table, as they took turns dropping scraps for me, and saying “Here boy!” as they dropped the morsels. Susan, my wife’s other friend chewed some food when it was her turn, then spat the mouthful of food onto the floor for me. This made the others laugh and then they all began doing the same.
i don’t want to tell you all what punishment Master Michael had decided for me, i am already very embarrassed telling you about this one.
Wow John, that’s quite the punishment! Thank you very much for sharing your Mistress wife’s creativity. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your experience. I’m not into experiencing humiliation myself but I do love watching/reading others’ experiences (a humiliation voyeur) as long as it’s all consensual of course. If you ever feel like sharing it, I would love to hear what Master Michael had in store for you (no pressure of course).
this is really help and inspire me for the great idea thanks
I don’t get spankings for punishment anymore…I like it too much…now he is just cruel– denied orgasms for a month unless someone else helping…I masturbate often….this literally made tears well up in my eyes!
That’s what I got to share this time 😘
I love the idea of the sub explaining what the rule is. It is more effective and it lets the sub know that he/she broke the rule. To me, spanking is not a punishment, and some do not learn with a punishment like that. One that would work more on me would be to get me to do something that I am not comfortable doing or something that I hate to do.
It could be a chore for a solid week, or go to a restaurant after having sex and still having some cum on me so no shower, etc. I would be embarrassed not to mention uncomfortable in doing it. That would be more of a punishment to me. I hope this gives you some ideas or new ideas to try.