If you are struggling with anxiety, depression or other mental health challenges you are certainly not alone.
I was hesitant in mentioning my struggles with anxiety and stress, thinking somehow that it made me weak (or imperfect) and that you would think less of me.
Quite the opposite! From the number of responses I received saying how you can relate and telling me about your own personal battles with anything from social phobia to depression, I realized just how common these experiences are.
The cause can be anything from experiencing a loss, conflict with family or solely brain chemistry.
It’s important to realize that negative emotions can affect anyone. Whether you identify as a D-type (Dominant, Master, Mistress etc.), s-type (submissive, slave, little etc.) or another personality type, role or identity, considerations for mental health can be weaved into our dynamics and relationships.
Though no advice or tools can replace seeing a qualified therapist, the physical and emotional benefits of BDSM and power exchange can help calm your nerves, bring you a sense of comfort and peace and to feel good overall.
Here are some rules and ideas to help with mental health in the context of a Dom/sub relationship.
Also, here is one of the responses I received. It cheered me up – I hope it’ll make you smile too:
“…remember to be kind to yourself. Even at the worst of times, you aren’t down and out… just down. Everything will be okay.”
Short and Sweet BDSM Rule Ideas for Mental Health
Here are some some quick rule ideas for maintaining positivity in power exchange relationships.
They are written in a formal way so you can simply add them to your contract or agreement if you have one. If not, use them for ideas any way you wish.
Slave is not an entertainer
Slave shall not entertain narcissists by continuing non-constructive arguments with any toxic persons.
Prioritizing precious time
Once a month, the submissive will write out a list of current commitments for a priority assessment (adding new items which bring joy and eliminating items which are unnecessary or no longer bring satisfaction).
People pleasing to your detriment
The submissive acknowledges that she, her mental health and the Dominant all come before doing favors for others.
Breathing through crises
When Babygirl is feeling anxious, she must stop whatever she is doing at the time (unless absolutely unpractical) and take five minutes to perform her breathing exercises.
Daily meditation & evidence
Once per day, the submissive will take 10 minutes to meditate (just sit and concentrate on his breath). Immediately following, he will send Mistress a text with a positive thought.
When triggered
When being triggered, the submissive shall not react. Rather, he shall remove himself from the person, conversation or situation quickly and as discreetly as possible.
More In Depth Rules & Insights for Mental Health and BDSM
Here are some rules, ideas and insights detailing personal experiences of others.
Not Permitted
Dying and self harm are not allowed under any circumstances. This applies to the Dominant and submissive.
~ Anonymous
Clarify and Release through Journalling
I shall journal every morning as the first activity for the day.
This ensures if there are negative issues, that they don’t circulate in my mind throughout the day. It helps to clarify the issues and to release them.
I must not hold back or try to make things look pretty – raw emotion only. Each journal entry must end with either: a lesson learned or a positive note.
Sir has access to my journal at all times so he knows what’s going on and can make decisions accordingly.
I shall not be punished for anything written in my journal, even if negative against Sir (although I shall always be respectful when expressing thoughts about Sir).
~ Liliana
Negative Talk Counteract
One of my favorite rules is that whenever I say something negative about myself, I have to come back with 5 positive things about myself. I struggle with bad self-image so Daddy helps me with that.
~ Dviant Bunny
A Domme’s loving touch
[WARNING – may be disturbing to some] We are currently working on healing from past abuse. My pup likes to hit himself when he is frustrated with himself or feels like he is the cause of something.
I am implementing a “No Hitting” rule when he gets like that. He knows he is to give me his hands when he wants to hit himself, and if I’m not around and he does, he has to write lines and reflect on how his behavior affects his mental health and how he can avoid/correct this behavior in the future.
~ Anonymous
Feel Good Lists
Both the Dominant and the submissive shall write a list of activities that make them feel good. Such lists will be kept in a prominent place for daily reminders.
Each party is required to engage in an activity from their respective list for at least half an hour per day.
Sir is Not My Therapist
Sir is NOT my therapist. I will not put the responsibility of my emotions in the hands of my Sir. I acknowledge it is MY responsibility – this means I realize he cannot make my anxiety go away or cure my depression. Even if he was a qualified therapist, it would be unethical for him to treat me.
As my Dominant, he can for example make sure I make and keep appointments to a therapist, ensure that I follow recommended treatments, structure my day for me, set punishments for comfort eating and/or command me to research other resources and tools to help. He cannot cure me and I cannot have that expectation.
~ Liliana
Obligation to Notify
Both Master and slave agree to notify the other immediately upon experiencing negative emotions beyond just feeling down.
Within 24 hours, the parties will hold a discussion with the aim of preparing a mental health action plan, which may involve seeing a therapist if deemed necessary.
No Negative Self Talk
One of my favorite rules is no negative self talk. I have a disability and was in a pretty rough relationship before current one.
My daddy noticed that I was repeating all the negative things my ex said about me.
Between that and feeling guilty about my disability keeping me from doing things, I was spending all day putting myself down.
It was a hard rule at first, but it truly changed my attitude about myself and several family members and friends have commented on how I’m back to my old, happy self.
~ Alicat
Mantra for Re-centering a Slave
If my slave/sub is feeling anxious or stressed I have them say the mantra “Master/Dom chose me!”, it seems to help, they tell me. It re-centers them.
~ MedicLPN
Yoga – Reasons & Rewards
I must Yoga at least 3 times per week with rewards for more sessions.
This was recommended by my psychologist and has helped me tremendously.
Yoga teaches you mindfulness (to be present). This is important because I would often escape into dreamland where I would play out scenarios in my mind, which would often lead to negative assumptions.
Immediately after a yoga session I feel elated, a heightened sense of well being and calmness, like walking on clouds. It’s the same feeling after kink session, although this one I can achieve myself. It’s even more rewarding knowing Sir “caused” this feeling.
In the long term, it teaches you patience, calmness and focus and ultimately (my goal) to become imperturbable, where nothing affects you.
All these benefits help in my service and surrender to Sir.
~ Liliana
Daily Acts of Kindness
The sub will perform at least one act of kindness per day, no matter how small. They shall advise the Dominant about the kind act in their next conversation. If unable to chat that day, a text message will suffice.
Why? Both giving and witnessing kindness helps with happiness, compassion towards others, and even physically by producing oxytocin (“the love drug”), helping to reduce stress and even lowering blood pressure.
Peace in Knowing & Structure
As someone who struggles a lot with anxiety, having a codified, written and mutually consenting agreement really helps a lot of knowing what is acceptable and appreciated in a dynamic.
It’s reaffirming to have these discussions over even minor and sometimes assumed conflicts and opens the door to communication that might otherwise be closed.
While not for everyone, protocols and contracts can help those who struggle with similar experiences to find peace in what could normally be a difficult to navigate dynamic.
~ Ryona
Practice Self Autonomy
With my current Dom, W/we practice more self autonomy. It makes the times He pulls the Dom card more special. He mostly corrects my life outlook and *stinking thinking*
~ Blueswan8
Neutral Time Rule by Ms. Deathkitten
I have incorporated “neutral time” into my dynamic which, as a switch, I felt was MANDATORY to make sure that respect was given […]
Dmitri’s BDSM Rules for Mental Health & Lockdown
1. Positivity Journal – I established a daily rule of having my submissive create a personal positivity journal. She is required to enter one […]
I am not sure if the experience that I am going to tell you about will fit in . But here it goes When my father died I took it very hard. When I was not at work I spent a lot of time drinking in taverns. I was at a friends house and he suggested that u should go and talk to someone about it.
And believe it or not she helped me get through it . IF you do not mind I will tell you what she told me . Get into something that you like doing like Roller skating or bowling do something to take your mind off of what ever is bothering you. I do hope this helps . This a personal experience that happened to me.
Respectfully Dorothy
Can understand and relate to this experience well. When father took his own life it was also very difficult to reconcile, recognised that best to bring some joy into the lives of those around you about whom you care.
Enjoying, exploring and experimenting with fetishes is a beautiful way to liberate the mind, raise the spirit and release inhibitions.
With sincere regards, rebeccakarenina
I can’t say how much I appreciate the info provided. This is absolutely perfect
When I wrote my main rule of my dynamic with my Master W/we didn’t know any that would help my mental health issues but I will say alot of these rules are good and I’ll be seeing if we can use them in our own dynamic. Thanks again for allowing me to hear your rules it’s very helpful.
That was most interesting and quite informative. “And” it actually works! Thank you so much for the information. It doesn’t necessarily make me a better “sub”, but it does make me feel better. These times can “really” take it’s toll on people. Thank you.
Love your work guys and very happy to share and give credit to you for it. Keep it up!! Namaste 🙏🏻